Tag Archives: confidence
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Winging it

22 Aug

Winging it

This quote found its way to me and I had to share. It’s so appropriate for so many of the discussions I’ve read in PhD land, particularly related to impostor syndrome and the constant battles with confidence that so many of us have despite knowing that we know some people are winging it too…

The Big P…

20 Feb

I’m sure every PhD student goes through it… in fact, maybe someone should do some research to see if there is a connection between the P word and the C word. I think I could safely hypothesise that when Confidence takes a dip, Procrastination soars.

In the last three days I have caught up with many an important task: completed emails and urgent Amnesty International actions; trawled Manchester trying to find an NHS dentist; ensured fridge, cupboards are stocked; ensured freezer has stock of meals we can just defrost and munch (for when the brain gets into gear again and I end up staying at the office until the late hours…); cycled the long way to and from the office; made sure washing is up-to-date (including the dodgy crusty tea-towels from the office that I brought home to clean); changed lightbulbs, sheets, towels; called my dad for a chat to discuss his birthday; started writing my blog… I can only be a bit proud that I stopped short of making a new ‘studying’ playlist, though I do think I might have to at least edit the current one!

The morning was generally ok, started well at least; I read a couple of interesting chapters and made some useful notes and convinced myself there was a bit of progress towards pinning down a couple of concepts I’m looking at putting into my framework. But it seems like there’s a motivational blockage that really needs a bit of feedback from either supervisor to find the drive again. I’ve not discussed my work with either of them since the middle of December and can’t muster the energy to carry on going with no sense of whether the path I’m on is in any way pointing in the right direction. But I have got ingredients for a yummy dinner, am off to swim training soon, and have an assortment of healthy packed lunches ready and waiting.

Procrastination: another one of the things to be calmly aware of so it doesn’t get a grip on the PhD process? Hmmm…. Now, bathroom could do with a mop….

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A morning run cheers up the spirit!

19 Feb

A morning run cheers up the spirit!

We’ve been treated to frosty and cold mornings in the UK, perfect for running and cycling and blowing away the cobwebs of self-doubt. On a morning as beautiful as this I realised this is one of the huge benefits of having this time: instead of being in my office at 7am with the list of demands on my time growing ever larger, I was pounding the pavements at sunrise and thinking about my work that develops my interests. It’s a real privilege and probably SHOULD be hard…

The big C

18 Feb

Today I had one of those moments that (from trawling the internet) appears to have happened to many phd students: hating academia utterly and completely. It seems like most people go through it – wondering how they got to the point of deciding to start the phd, let alone reaching a point where they feel able to complete it.

I am well aware that my main problem is confidence. No matter what I’ve done, I’ve always thought I’d be found out as some kind of fraud and that I had made it where I was because of a lot of luck and other people equating enthusiasm with ability. Even when I passed additional qualifications or got letters and cards that should have given me faith in myself I wouldn’t ever believe what was said. I love writing, love my topic, and I really love where the research is going. BUT (of course there is a but!) I have started to hate academia already, particularly the feeling of inadequacy that follows me everywhere as soon as I step away from my desk and have to interact on any academic level with anyone and they’ll find me out.

And so, I hope this post becomes the realisation that I have found the battleground of my PhD: self-confidence. I don’t know how to change it, but I hope that recognising it is the first step to ensuring I don’t quit…

Now I know this is all self-pitying twoddle, but apparently it’s normal to feel like this… A more amusing stance on the issue is evident in this list of acronyms for PhD (taken from http://www.cs.berkeley.edu/~taneja/phd.html):

Patiently hoping for a Degree
Piled higher and Deeper
Professorship? hah! Dream on!
Please hire. Desperate.
Pour him a Drink
Philosophically Disturbed
Probably headed for Divorce
Probably heavily in Debt
Patiently headed Downhill…
Permanent head Damage
Potential heavy Drinker
Professional hamburger Dispenser… “Would you like fries with that?”
Post hole Digger
Professional hair Dresser
Piano hauling Done
Pizza hut Driver
Pretty heavily Depressed
Prozac handouts Desired
Pretty heavy Diploma
Pretty horrible dissertation
…and the funniest of them all – Philosophiae doctor